Geeeez… I seriously keep having to remind myself of this, because sometimes in those moments of trying to cope with symptoms/emotions it feels like I’m failing and I’m relapsing. It is the worse feeling, because I want to be in a healthy state when it comes to my mental health, I want to breathe, I want to live out the purpose I believe God has for my life, not just exist (going through the motions). I think to myself, I can’t go back to how ill I was a few months ago. I literally don’t think my mind can make it through that again. Nor do I want to go through that deep indescribable emotional pain again. I felt like I was suffocating in chaos. I couldn’t feel or so I thought. Then I felt too much. Then I couldn’t sleep. Then I slept too much. My thoughts were all mixed up, hallucinations taking me back . I couldn’t think, but then I thought too much. All this was happening at once. Like I was drowning in my thoughts, my memories, and replaying trauma I’ve experienced, all over again in my head. I won’t go back. I refuse, though the chaos in my mind lingers silently waiting to explode and bleed out the moment I let go of my sanity.
My faith in God & hope for a better tomorrow has helped me to ground myself. It has helped me to hold on to my sanity with all my might, while speaking life over “most” of the dark thoughts that come into my mind. 🧠 ( It’s a process, using your words for good and trying to shift your thoughts to more loving one when for years I spoke “mainly” nothing but negative things over myself & my situation.)
But, my thoughts remain both rational and irrational. I wonder, what would happen if I did let it go of my sanity? What if I went back to that place ? This time for good? Would the blade be my go to or would it be the pills ? Or both ? What would happen if I let the dark consume me? Or if I consumed it ?
Recovering/Healing has been a scary thing for me. I think it is because I realized for as long as I can remember I’ve felt like I was in a dark tunnel searching for light. Searching for hope. Searching for peace. Searching for love. Searching for acceptance. Searching for everything I wished I had, but didn’t feel as if I did.
I got to a place where I wanted more out of life and that’s where I kind of believe I’m at now. I want to be well & I want to be okay with being well.
I grew tired of wandering, being surrounded by complete darkness constantly…… Toxic thoughts & emotions, depression, anxiety, erratic moods…..(sigh) But now that I am seeing the💡 at the end of the dark tunnel it seems the darkness is slowly attempting to block my view of the light 💡. At this point it’s up to me what I will choose to do? Do I take my chances and run with all my might as fast as I can toward the light ? Do I just stand still and focus on the light ? Or do I continue at the pace I’ve been comfortable at and try to just move towards the light? ……………
*I don’t own photo*
~Thoughts of a Writer